I'm more disturbed when people expect me to be serious.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better. A wise diner who is invited to visit the kitchen replies by saying, as politely as possible, that he has a pressing engagement elsewhere.
Getting a tattoo would probably make me cry.
The shelf life of the average trade book is somewhere between milk and yogurt.
We all know funny people who can't get it down on the page - even funny writers who can't get it down on the page.
I actually think of being funny as an odd turn of mind, like a mild disability, some weird way of looking at the world that you can't get rid of.
I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still.
I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.
The food in such places is so tasteless because the members associate spices and garlic with just the sort of people they're trying to keep out.